Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Maui Sunset

Monday, October 17, 2005

Kink and The Kid

Decided to pop some corn (not cop some porn) last night and watch a Neflix disc that had been collecting dust on my uber-sleek IKEA floating shelf for a few weeks, Secretary. It wasn't from my queue, so I didn't really know what it was about. I DID however know I was in no mood to my share my popcorn into which I had dumped in a snack size package of Flaming Hot Cheetos and a handful of chocolate covered coffee beans. Kid, of course, is -right- in my face (no doubt attracted by the Pavlovian ding of the microwave).

Kid : (circling me like a starved mongoose ) watcha doin? huh? you gonna watch a movie? can I watch a movie too? I'm bored? can I? please?

Me : (quick glance at the sleeve) uhm, it's rated R

Kid : I've seen lots of R-rated movies. You let me see Wedding Crashers (which is true, I did, was it R?) ; please? I'll lay on the floor.

Me : it looks like a romance, probably a chick movie (oh please oh please oh please I don't want to share my popcorn)

Kid : that's cool

Me : uhm, alright, you can lay on my bed but you can't have the pillows (maaah!)

Kid : okay (distinct my- mom's- a- freak- but- I- love- her look at this point)

So the movie starts with the "Secretary" stapling papers and fetching coffee for some unseen person....collared and cuffed to a....well I guess it would be a yoke. But fully clothed. Nothing else really out of the ordinary. Thought I might end up having to do some explaining but hey, that's okay. I'm just thrilled when Kid announces that he thinks my popcorn is weird and doesn't care for any thank you very much.

So there we are, watching the movie, it is beginning to get a bit .... well, there's a spanking. But again, fully clothed. Kid just giggles, but my super heightened Spidey Senses are really starting to pick up some major eroti-waves.


Listen to your Spidey Senses people.


Next thing we know, the lovely Lee is lying on her bed. I'm watching with one eye and half listening to Kid as he says something which I probably didn't even hear and oh shit, she's masturbating, but kid keeps talking and I shove another handful of popcorn in my mouth and say

ME : WANT SOME? (too enthusiastically)

KID : no thanks

oh good, they've stopped showing the masturbation scene....I don't think he caught it....maybe I should turn it off....hmmmm, looks like she's just having silly girly flower fantasy thoughts now and....HOLY GUACAMOLE! Full on masturbatory glory in Technicolor Dolby Surround Sound. Now I'm no prude but lying in bed with my 13 year old son watching what basically amounts to soft-core BDSM porn is NOT my idea of a good time. Visions of Spanking the Monkey are sputtering around in my brain, good damn thing the Kid's not a foster or DCS would be yanking where in the fuck is that remote control and why is it so dark in here and I can't see where I put oh there ...

ME : (grabbing for remote control) well that's enough of that

KID : NO! Wait Mom, I want to see it!

ME : (mumbling incoherently unable to hit the ridiculously microscopic teensy power button on the stupid ridiculously microscopic teensy dvd remote that I thought was just oh so cute with my greasy Movie Theatre Butter'd hands)

KID : Hey! Is she masturbating???? (shocked but intrigued)

ME : (continuing to struggle with remote while trying to untangle from comforter and pile of unshared pillows) yep, looks like it

KID : That is SO COOL! (face flapping rapidly back and forth from young masturbating woman on screen to crazed mother obviously in a loosing battle with the remote control) NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO, Mom, please oh please oh please wai

ME : CLICK (take that you bastards)

KID : (sighing) why'd you turn if off ?

ME : (drop dead do NOT mess with me stare)

KID : (hugging me) goodnight mom, I love you (walks away with know-it-all grin)

At the risk of being redundant....GREAT GOOGLY-MOOGLY.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

The PocketMod

Admission - my first thought was this was some kind of sex toy. I was wrong.

But it's really cool anyway! Basically it's a disposable organizer that you print using provided templates for calendars, shopping lists, etc; then you just fold it up and use it. I've never been so impressed by a single piece of paper that was green ;) It's cheap, portable, and when you're done, just through it away. I KNOW what a monkey-on-your-back FranklinCovey can be. This lets you start fresh each and every time, I love it!

Mine did need a bit of trimming to line up on the non-folded side, probably because I got in too much of a hurry folding. Excitement and all....

I'm not pathetic, just mundane

Picked up the offspring at the airport this morning. As the day went on it became clear that neither of them had gotten any sleep last night.

-side rant-It really irks me that my parents consistently refuse to DO WHAT I SAY. I know, I know. But honestly. Even children who are on vacation with their grandparents need to go to sleep at some fucking point the night before they have to get up at 3 am for a 4 hour drive to the airport for a 3 hour flight back home. Otherwise said children turn into miserable cranky little heathens their first day back home causing their Mother to have BAD THOUGHTS.
-end rant-

So while they had a lovely day of napping interspersed with whining and afair amount of bickering and bitching strewn about, I managed to get the rest of the flowers I bought last week planted. Then mowed, weedate (weedeated? weedwhacked?> and powerwashed. Then I cleaned up the pool. I have to figure out something to do about white flies....

Didn't even realize until after 4:30 that we hadn't eaten anything all day. Possibly contributing to above mentioned whining and bickering. Please note that my children are 10 and 13, not infants, and although the pantry was pretty bare they are capable of foraging for themselves. I am neglectful of many things, in many ways, but generally do not starve children.

In a futile attempt to compete with the wonders of grandparents I offered to take them for "whatever you want". After a fairly one sided conference, my daughter was in the middle of a nap phase, it was decided that I would go to McDonalds and bring food home. Oh joy oh joy oh joy oh joy. I'd rather eat sauteed goat pancreas. I tried to weasel out of it by saying, "didn't you eat a lot of McDonald's at Grandma's?". The kid answered and said that not only had they not eaten there, they had only been to Sonic once. Great googly-moogly, I wonder what in the heck they ate for 2 weeks!

Anyway, long boring story made slightly shorted, went to McD's, got the alleged "food" and we ate it.

To crown off an already peachy keen day....Exchanged a number of increasingly hostile emails with absent spouse culminating in a series of phone calls in which I once and for all cemented my status as Super Bitch of the World.

The good news is that tomorrow is Monday and I get to go back to work. Could it get any better?

Note to self. Look at job listings in Sunday paper.

Sunday morning coming down

My apologies to Kris :)

The chitlins are comin' home this morning! On my way to the airport to pick them up and this time I'm taking money for parking. Oh I so have my shit together today. Am planning a stop at Starbucks -both- ways.

Betting the little buggers will be tired today, hopefully we all get nice naps as I once more didn't sleep more than a few hours last night.

In other news, I got a real honest to goodness blog comment, you never forget your first time...

Saturday, October 15, 2005


Nearly 3 in the afternoon. Didn't sleep again last night. Not much anyway. There are so many things I -need- to do; work on the back yard, clean the house, etc. Nothing that I -want- to do.

Ran out of cigarettes and made the trek to Chevron, sprang for a 7 buck Ultimate Wash while I was there. Couldn't make a decision on which crappy drive through window to pick up food at. Ended up with a Del Taco burrito and a jug of Pibb. I don't even like Mr. Pibb.

Could I be more pathetic?


I'm cooling, or maybe just running out of steam.

I went to dinner with some friends and didn't do anything stupid. Would have to admit to some very uncharacteristic fantasy type thoughts on the way home though....

I suppose at some point, more likely sooner than later, I will have to ask myself .... Is this relationship meeting my needs?

Of couse I know the answer to that one, but it's the one's that follow that are just so damn hard. The ones I can't even see fully formed in my heads. The complex multi-punctuated ones. The if that, what then? ones....

It's been a year now, a full calendar year and still I stew.

On the plus side, I think my insomnia is running out of steam too, so hopefully tonight sleep will come easier.

Friday, October 14, 2005

What does that say about me?

Why is it that when I feel this way about you I have an overwhelming desire to ...
1. Get drunk.
2. Fuck a stranger.
3. Throw all your shit on the street and light it on fire.
4. Kick you in the balls.
I know that means I am a bad person. Why do I want so badly to make you hurt the way you've made me hurt.
The laughable part is that I know I could never do that. I just don't have it in me first off all, secondly you just don't care enough to feel it.

Please come home, I miss you.

What a fucking idiot I am. The true definition of an idiot is someone that expects the outcome to be different when the input is the same. How many times have I asked you to come home, told you that I missed you, that I loved you, wanted you, needed you, needed something from you? And how many of those times have I gotten the result I wanted? So like the above defined idiot that I am I sent those words to you last night. Thinking that since I knew you were coming home anyway THIS TIME would be different. Not aware that the fucking plans had already been changed. Perfect. I really did not need another negative reinforcer here. It's hard enough as it is.
Extramarital love affairs and the stinking necrosis that they leave behind. Beautiful and magical wouldn't you say?


When do you suppose, if ever, will you ever understand that I don't WANT to be protected from the truth, that I don't NEED to be shielded from the facts, that it absolutely fucking infuriates me when you do that?
If you want to play these kind of games then I expect an occasional spanking at the very least. But you don't have what it takes to be that kind of a husband. You do oh so much better at being the coward in the closet, hiding behind your bluster.

I am just so fucking furious right now!

Oh sure, sounds innocous enough...
I'm worried about this router issue. Yesterday rachel asked us to stay if there wasn't time for everything. At this point I don't know what's going to happen. There is so much to do after the thing comes up. I'll keep you posted though.

Bull fucking shit. You HAD to go on this trip NOW. It had to be done NOW, never fucking mind that it was our vacation. Never fucking mind that the kids are out of town. Never fucking mind how fucking hard it is for me when you travel. Never fucking mind that you said you woulnd't travel anymore. And now it seems that the fucking thing you HAD to go do, isn't even fucking ready.
And then you send me this bullshit. "you don't know".....well I think you DO fucking know, since your hotel reservations have already been extended for 3 more fucking nights. Wonder when you are going to "keep me posted" on that little bit of news?
I am SO FUCKIND TIRED of your bullshit.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Death Warnings in Paradise

I love these signs that are posted all along the beaches on Maui. In case you can't make it out it says "Strong Current" "YOU COULD BE SWEPT AWAY FROM SHORE AND COULD DROWN". My favorite is of couse the "you could drown part", just in case anyone isn't quite clear on what the possible consequences of being "swept away from shore" could be.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Urban Dictionary

Does everyone else in the developed world know about this except me? I think I just found myself a one-way ticket to hipsville. And yes, I know that even -thinking- the word hipsville makes me so very not.

Dried Blueberries

Sweet and Chewy!

Stoneridge Orchards packages the most wonderful dried blueberries. We get them at Costco, but I've just found they have a website and not only can you buy the blueberries, but lots of other yummies like Bing Cherries. Nature's gummy candy, woooohooooo!

Time alone can be dangerous...

I'm bored with Neopets. Hard to believe.